Riding Home

I

Growing up in Kerala, I always wanted to leave it. Yes, its green and pretty, yes, I love beaches too, yes people down here generally have simple, good hearts. But simplicity is a complicated thing. Simplicity is a blind thing, an unthinking thing, it is a ‘we are happy where we are, don’t u come and change anything around us, cos that wud mighty upset our simplicity’ thing.

So the next thing u know, I left. I left cos I wanted more. And it puzzled me, when all these non-mallus came oohing and aahing at me, asking, isn’t Kerala beautiful? Where all wud u recommend that we visit within Kerala? And I had no answers. My brain said, if u r in Kerala, stay indoors, but I knew that was the wrong answer, it had to be and it kept bubbling and brewing in me.

One thing was clear, I needed a new pair of eyes and I got them in Delhi’s grueling heat and dust. I love delhi, I do, it gave me so much freedom and food and friends and love, but those two, 50-degree-Celsius, summer months, egah! somebody, really, just shoot me dead, at least I cud be cold that way. Couple that up with growing job dissatisfaction and here I was, back in full Technicolor Kerala, where green is green and not brown.

And I got it. Not just in my head, but with a rumbling appetite in my tummy. The feast that was beauty, green life spurting all around with vigour, the sky raining whenever it could, giving me infinite crystals to look through. Breathgiving rather than breathtaking.

And I cud sense a change too, in people’s approach to me. I was no longer an unsure, school or college going kid whom they could relentlessly advice or try to “put right”. I had made my choices; I was formed and no longer unsure or apologetic for what I was. So they let me be. And as grudgingly as it might have been, it was the most comfortable I felt in Kerala. That is until..

II

One of my closest friends, S’ visit, who also happens to be a heavy smoker. Through out the stay, general curiosity was expressed by autowalas, hotel receptionists, people on the street. Where are u two from? So u smoke, eh? What are you two girls upto? Etc. We decided to take the questions at nothing more than face value, though we might have been spared these qs had we been boys. I answered them pleasantly enough, and asked them about places to visit, what happened to the cricket match etc. A general air of ‘we are all civil citizens here’ seemed to reign.

Then on Sunday we caught an auto from cochin to the airport. S immediately starts flicking her lighter. But the autowala doesn’t seem too cool about it. At first he says, that he will get fined, we are a little surprised cos none of the other autowalas told us so. S was peeved. But I was thinking, its his auto, so if he doesn’t want her to, its ok. So we ride on n hes constantly checking out what we are doing from the rear view mirror. He too starts wid the qs, wheres S from? Where am I from? What do we do? How did we meet? I oblige. We reach d airport n then as S is getting off, I can hear this guy whispering to this other autowala, aliya, I’ll tell u whats been happening.

I take two minutes to hug S and see her off and then I’m on the same auto back.

- So its true then.

- What?

- That all girls outside are like this, they smoke.

- Not really

- Do you smoke?

- No

- Because I saw her give you the lighter earlier

Rearview mirror spymaster

- That’s cos she can’t take it in the plane

- I mean, I’ve seen girls in Bangalore like this. But outside, everywhere its like this, huh?

- Some smoke, some don’t. You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.

- I’ve seen the girls outside. They smoke and they take liquor.

- Don’t u smoke or drink?

- No. I used to. And we used to have grass down home too. That has some effect atleast. But I stopped smoking and all when this fellow told me something. Uhm, something.

I don’t wanna know the something. I know its something I don’t wanna hear.

- He told me it reduces your sex drive. So I stopped.

Damn! Damn, the word sex! My e.s.p. antennas twitch crazy. No more talk, no more. He says some more stuff. I do monosyllables.

- Which college are you from?

I’m not a kid, I’m not a kid. I can answer and defend my answers. Ill not let him think that the worst he wud have to deal with is something passive.

- St.Teresa’s

- Oh.

Oh, u r from that notorious, sluts’ college. Let him attack, let him, ill mince him, piece of shit.

- So u did ur college here only.

- Here and Delhi.

- These colleges are nasty places.

???

- Which colleges?

- I mean, Mahraja’s and St. Albert’s

- What makes you say that?

- Four or five cases, last few months only.

I needn’t ask what cases. It will have only one thing all over it. Sex, sex, sex. Lap it up, glug, glug, glug. Horny retards.

- Just because there are a few cases, doesn’t mean the whole college is like that.

- No, no, its like that only.

- Which college did you go to then.

- I went and then quit after a week. Financial difficulties.

Damn. Can’t attack him from that angle. Or not just yet.

- U agree right? There are things a girl shouldn’t do?

- I don’t know of anything that is exclusively wrong for girls.

- No, no. I’m talking about some specific things.

- No, I don’t know any. I don’t know what u r talking about. I don’t wanna know.

- U know what I mean right?

I don’t. I really don’t. I am a dodo enough to be still thinking along the lines of drinking n smoking. I try thinking, I get as far as condoms, I remember the nine of us, from st.teresa’s opening a Cosmo n finding an unused condom n examining it to our hearts content. I can’t contain my curiosity.

- What?

He’s holding his hand up to form an O.

- Vibrator.

For a second its all white in my head. As though, I’ve hit upon some kind of cosmic answer.

- You agree right?

I was very surprised to say the least. Anti-masturbation talk from a man. A non-priest man. Oh, I forget, exclusively meant for women. I wanna ask him all sorts of questions. Stuff that will send his patta-auto toppling. Can’t go there, too far out.

- No. I don’t. I don’t have any issues with what other people do as long as they don’t cause problems for me. I don’t tell people how to live their lives.

- How can you say that? It is wrong, u agree.

- What have you got to lose if somebody uses a vibrator?

- Ofcourse I have problems! What if I marry a woman like that? I’m such a good young man, what will happen to my life.

My god! hes right! How will he ever convince the woman to do him instead of the vibrator!

- How do you know all this anyways?

- I have proof. Ha, ha! That’s why.

I am thinking of hidden cameras. I can feel a lens peering into my neck.

- So is that what you do? Go around collecting proof for this sorta stuff?

- No, no. The proof just comes to me.

Fire magazine-gossip monger, liar.

- You see, there is this trend nowadays, to be more western all over India. Its happening outside, but in Kerala we are different. Our culture hasn’t changed.

- Ofcourse it has.

- No, not one bit.

- It was our culture to not let lower caste people walk on the same road as the upper castes. Are u telling me that hasn’t changed?

- That has. But there are still issues. Your parents wud surely have an issue if u were to marry a Christian or a muslim or a lower caste.

Marriage, sex. Sex, marriage. His brain needs to be stuffed in with new things.

- Issues may still be there. Its not that they have disappeared. But its not the way it used to be either. Our culture has changed, its ever changing.

Im tired of this. Its time for a new approach. Its time for some unholy patronizing.

- How old are you?

- 26.

- So u are a very young man. U should have better things to do with your time than just listen to filthy gossip. U should read more, know whats going on beyond your tiny little circle. A library membership doesn’t cost as much as a college education.

Silenced. My turn to ha, ha!

- Its very disappointing. Really, very. This will not do. Next time you listen to ugly rumours I want u to remember our conversation, I want u to remember me. Remember the three monkeys, see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. All 3 are important. Now change please, I’ve only got a 1000.