Back to the future

When I left my job in Icrier and returned to Kerala, the idea was that I will find my creative calling and pursue it. First, there was the idea of taking up writing of some sort, then interior designing, in between I flirted with the idea of becoming a culinary mastermind specializing in desserts, then a painter. But I didn't take up any of these.

The reason? The sum of all my fears never outweighed my motivation. What were these fears? The fear of being stuck in Kerala! Of low income (esp. in case of writing and painting). Of losing interest, of ending up doing not quite what I thought I would do (interior designing and cooking).

But one day the scale tipped. It really, really tipped. Maybe I was moving towards that day all along or maybe it was all in a moment….the moment when I and H were sitting in her house in Cochin and I could hear fear and concern ringing in all her timid words suggesting that I do something. Something!

All of a sudden the process of evaluation and elimination of all my various options became swift and simple. Writing, no, because I am never quite inspired enough and because it will take me 10-30 years before I have the necessary skills. An mfa in painting, only if I get full funding and if Acha puts in some extra extra on top of it, which he won't. Culinary ding dong, boo haa haa, I like eating not cooking. No to interior designing cos Acha will only let me do it from Kerala.

Of course, I can still convince myself of ways in which I can conquer the problems that these options pose. But I am never convinced enough, am I? I can tell myself that there are still so many options I haven’t considered. I can do that and I can float in a nice little loop of infinite possibilities. But, No thanks. Because life doesn’t stretch out forever. I am living on deadlines.

Instead, I choose my next four years to look like this: living in a new country, studying hard, making a few new friends, having fun during holidays, travelling, eating new things, maybe taking on a couple of cheap, short term classes in between.

This is ofcourse a compromise and a bit of a long shot at permanent happiness. But I think it is a good balance between making a few necessary life changes, a healthy chance at being happy in the near future and having a decent set of possibilities laid out before me four years down the line.

I certainly don’t know whether managerial/entrepreneurial research will prove to be any better a calling for me than economics. All I know is that the math is easier, that I can take up courses on strategy and psychology and understand causality better because a firm’s objective is pretty straightforward. If in the end I go there and realize that things are no better despite these subtle differences, I will have to buckle up and put my nose to the ground. Because I want no half-ass nonsense this time.