And then it came to this

I need to unwind a little and i think this is the place to do it. 

I had a fight with my parents again...this time long-distance. They want me to call (and I have been calling) them up everyday. I know I more or less agreed to this when I came off. But that was when I thought my life in tots was gonna suck a little less than when I was in Kayamkulam. Syracuse doesn't suck the way Kayamkulam does, it sucks in its own unique and distinct ways. That is not to say I wanna run back to Kayamkulam. Oh no. I am staying right here and earning that PhD of mine. 

The main problem over here is that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Everything is done a little differently, so every time I come across something thats done differently, its kind of jarring. It makes me feel stupid, incompetent etc etc. Especially if theres an unsympathetic or not sufficiently sympathetic American involved. I am sure this will not be a problem in a year or so. But until that time comes, I don't want to pretend that the problem does not exist. 

Another problem, which may possibly be way more long-term, is the lack of company. I've met people, I've hung out with them a couple of times, I've even felt a connection with one or two of them (women, all women, I am female friendship material all the way), but its definitely in the ships-that-pass-at-night sense. So other than for these brief encounters, I am just one lonesome ship at sea, with the internet as my compass.

Then there is the hybrid problem, a combo of the two mentioned above. People are different here, they exchange pleasantries, though few really get around to being pleasant, a lot of the things have the potential for violating their sense of space or privacy. Knowing this, I would rather not talk, listen or exist in a visible manner. And that is clearly not going to help me in finding suitable company.

Anyhoo, everything is the way it is and so be it. But don't make me call you up and report a pretty alright day. Or worse don't make me report a not-so-ok day and then suggest stuff like, oh, don't think about it too much. Okay, mum-dad?

Ofcourse its not ok, comes the reply. Or sniff, sniff, if we cant make you feel any better...sniff, sniff...

I tell them I have tons to study. That my energy is heavily spent on studying and then to an extent on eating right and staying healthy. After this I still need some energy to deal with daily disappointments. As my workload increases and my sleeptime decreases, i have less and less energy for this. 

The best I can often do, is let a few honest tears roll down lying on a bed with pink elephants, and tell myself, priorities, child, priorities. Search for daylight, sense and hope later.

A ten-minute call lying for the sake of reassuring them is painful. And the fact that they still feel wronged for my not wanting to do this...i think is either selfish or obtuse.

But what can I say. My parents are my children. To hear them sullen or sad, to imagine them in a far away nook on earth, feeling lonely and lost in a way, maybe not so different from myself...well, what am I to do? What are we to do?

Other than perhaps, take it out on an inanimate object such as a phone and break it in two.