The idea was that if I felt completely anonymous in my writing I would feel more free to be raw-honest. It didn't work out that way. Instead, I lost my voice. Completely. The fact is, I am very happy with my boyfriend. Between the two of us, I have a sea of happiness to swim in. Look beyond that and its barren. America or perhaps Syracuse hasn't worked out as much as I could have hoped for. I don't have any friends. I mean I end up hanging out with people now and then, there is Mike's local crowd, they are nice people, but I can't quite get into their scene, the football (correction, soccer) , hating on say yes to the dress, beer guzzling scene. I know that must sound like THE best time to some folks, but no thank you. I am happy when we are playing games though. Besides, they are always bitching about each other so much, that I feel wary to settle in and just be comfortable.
Then there is the school set, they are predominantly Asian and pretty difficult to communicate with. They seem like they only have good intentions but sometimes they are incredibly rude. So I am thinking, let them figure all that out a bit, until then I am laying off any friendly feels towards them. There is Mike's family and friends. They are definitely nice and like he says, I know I can count on any of them in a time of need, but how do I put it? As far as the family goes, I am OK because I am an ok person, but I sense I'm accepted because I am Mike's extension, not because they think what a wonderful girl, independent of the gf part.
Then there is Shar, one of my two best friends (I feel silly using terms like best friends now). We've always had our ups and downs, but in US our recoveries have been painful, not instantaneous, possibly due to the distance and our respective struggles of coping with the change. We have also changed as people. I have lost a good deal of my spunk and she has become a mother. Sometimes when we have group chats on whatssap with the other 2, I think, what is this phenomenon at play here, what are these topics that seem to engage them so. Then again, there are moments when it is absolutely clear why we are friends. There aren't many people who tell me the things I need to hear, esp. when I am underestimating myself or my judgment. Nonetheless, when I visited her this time, I wasn't sure how things would feel. Would she be strange? She wasn't. We didn't have much time to ourselves, but she was as familiar as she ever was to me. As a person shes been refreshed in my head and I get her context better. I expect less from our friendship than before, than in our stc-girls only days, not because I am /she is any less of a friend, but because that's how life works.
So thats as far as friendships go. I am not going to make some out of the way effort to find friends, look online for people with common interests and hang out with them with a sense of lonely desperation. I will try and like myself as much as I can and keep myself occupied with things I enjoy. We will eventually leave Syracuse, get a dog etc. I may still miss the company of people who I can call my own, the crowds and the intrusion, I may still end up looking out of my window and seeing ice and cars, what will I do then? I do not know, but I hope I always feel warm.
No comments:
Post a Comment