How to be a PhD ninja

Alright. This is the post you have all been waiting for and I will probably regret. I can give you bullet points and be specific, but that's not how a PhD ninja does it. As a PhD ninja, you first need to present the abstract. The funny part is, that it is always the last thing you will ever get around to. The first thing you will ever put in paper is going to be two words on a notepad. Then you draw boxes and arrows around them, convince yourself that you are onto something. Or if you are a little more sensible, convince yourself that others are convinced of its excellence.

Then, you look around you, you size up your fellow PhD students. Surely you are better than everyone else? Well, that guy, that guys better cos he had more experience coming into the program. What about that other one? He seems better cos hes got the best adviser ever. Fucking free-rider. Then that other one, hes good cos hes mad, insane, came in like that, looking a little cuckoo, says he can't poop unless he is reading the latest issue of AMJ. Then that ones got kids, that one a tumor and that one and that one. I dunno, there is always a reason why others are better than you, enjoying some completely and utterly unfair advantage, but there you go, they have it and you don't. You understand, right?

No, when it comes to true talent you certainly are no. 1.
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You are, aren't you?
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You guys will publish my paper right?
No?
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Hey random professor, will they publish if I completely reverse the direction of my hypotheses? Oh, good. They will. Great. All you need to do then, clearly, is completely reverse your opinion and reverse it back again, depending on the theory that the other professor-who-thinks-he-knows-everything-and-insists-you-think-the-same-way-even-though-he-doesn't-really-know-how-his-opinions-even-relate-to-whatever-you-are-doing fancy for the day, and you will be the most excellent person ever. In the eyes of the world I.YOU.I. YOU? WILL BE MOST EXCELLENT. Yeah, I dunno man, I don't think I can do that. First of all no one knows you, Professor Professorson, and no one should and no one has to. And the same applies for me.

But, I did spend 4 years for reasons such as no one bothered to kick me out of this program and I couldn't think of anything better to do with myself. So instead, when you say stupid shit I am going to shake my head and pretend like I listened and then tire you out with lengthy not-going-anywhere stupid answers. Once, you decide that I am someone that you can't really amuse yourself with beyond when you fancy ridiculing me with my own pathetic situation of having to nod to idiots in the most agreeable and Indian of ways, you will cool off. You will sign that fucking form that says I am not under any obligation to any of you. I know there are going to be new deciders-of-paychecks, and tenure requirements to meet. But man I don't have to go through this fucking PhD again. I finished something I set out to do, even though it was long and painful, even though I leave no memorable marks behind, even though I never ever shook things up, no, not even a bit. I finished it. That, my dear friends, is all it takes to be a ninja.