Birthday No. 32

I would say I am in a good place. I am happy on the job front and the husband front. For the most part.

But I get anxious about keeping things that way, especially when it comes to work. I have switched from chasing after goals (which brought on stress and anger) to maintaining achieved goals (which brings about anxiety, fear and difficulty sleeping).

Partly, I need new goals. Ideally, goals that I care about. So not babies or more work on my plate. Maybe getting fit. Again.

Partly I need to train my brain to not go down the path of worry. This is a new problem, possibly a first world problem, though a legitimate one since it is happening to me. I have free time you see. In addition to having a job which pays decently and which I kind of like, I have free time. And with this time I worry about all sorts of unnecessary things, which is not just a waste of time but counterproductive and harmful to my self-esteem. If I am going to waste my time thinking, why not daydream or focus on the positives?

There is also loneliness, which at this point has transformed from a yearning into a kind of emptiness. I miss my parents. I miss having friends around. I miss the familiarity of India. I could hit the friend-dating scene more, but I don't feel motivated to do this. New friendships seem shallow. Especially new groups.

I would like to engage in more creative pursuits like painting and writing. But I can't muster the courage. I am not sure what I am afraid of. Failure? But who cares? I don't know. Things are vague there. Mind you, there are things I should do, like learn to drive....yeah, I will leave it at that.

Ultimately, the easiest thing is getting fit. Because it is formulaic. Being healthy and having a nice body makes me feel attractive and confident. The dopamine kicks in and makes me feel better overall. I feel tired physically and this helps me sleep. So there are clear rewards. And the steps involved in getting fit are relatively clear-cut. The only problem is that the process is boring, and sometimes its difficult to squeeze in the time. But for now neither of these is an issue.

So I have baby-stepped back into the fitness bit and this is where I hope to focus on for some time to come. Assuming I don't wallow in anxiety, I will either get more intense about fitness as I get better results, which is typically what happens. Or I will start pursuing some of my other interests side-by-side (the challenge being to pursue them more zealously this time around). This latter one is tricky, because it means focusing on multiple things simultaneously, and that again involves some fundamental retraining of the brain. We shall see.

In the meantime, I present you with the birthday cake which was Mike's creation.

Back when I was living in Kuwait, Amma bought a cake recipe book. It was the first one we had where they illustrated the recipes with photos of the actual cake. Once we returned to India for good, this book became a solace and a treasure. My eyes devoured the cakes. One of them was a Battenberg. I fantasized about it, even though we were many realities away from being able to make it. We didn't even have unsalted butter at the time, much less apricot jam and almond flour.

When I was visiting home this time, Acha spoke about how it is important to give kids a taste of the amazing now and again. To let them know of the possibilities and thereby spark ambitions. Well, this was one of mine and this birthday I wanted to fulfill it. I was ok with Mike doing the baking since he can cook pretty decently, but I felt compelled to micromanage when it came to the assembly stage. He was not happy. I huffed and puffed, but figured I had sufficiently emphasized all the hopes and dreams that was riding on its success. So I backed off and limited myself to making the marzipan roses on top. In the end, it came out really well, both looks wise and taste wise.

Loves for the Miku.