Its 5:06 am as I start typing this. I woke up at 3:39. Sleep has been a struggle for many months now. I have good days and bad days. Good days are ones where I wake up in the middle of the night, go into the living room or the other bedroom, read a book and eventually fall asleep again. Bad days are ones where I wake up and the rest of it doesn't happen. One of these days I think breathing is also going to require deliberate planning and effort.
I am for the most part sick and tired of it all. That coupled with a lack of mental energy and time and a general sense of censorship has led to a whole lot of restless thoughts which have nowhere to go other than in sporadic desperate, phone conversations or if I get real lucky, face-to-face ones which usually leave me feeling anything between wanting or criminal. Why aren't you more out there? Why aren't you learning to drive? Why aren't you doing more research? Why aren't you more appreciative? Why do you need to go to India? Why don't you start thinking of having a baby? Each question of course has an answer, aka, excuse aka fuck you. Any of these questions individually is innocent enough. But bundled up they are "the cause of world's dissatisfaction with Paru". And I cannot handle it. Because the real question is what do I want? How do I go about and want to go about getting what I want?
So blog, I hope I am back. Because I need to reorient. I need a space to vent, to be honest, to give voice to my perspective even when others' don't match mine. I want to stop feeling suffocated. This is a conversation with myself, just tidier than the ones I have in my head. Blog, you are my witness.
No comments:
Post a Comment