Battle of the Bulge

Am I a healthy person? No. Am I a veteran at battling weight gain? Yes indeed. And in my experience, there are several phases to my battle.

    Phase 1: Procrastinate on stepping on the weight scale. Until I do this, I can fool myself into thinking I only gained 10 pounds when in fact I gained 25. 

    Phase 2: Step on the scale and bawl my eyes out in horror. Then promise myself I will do better. I exercise, but don't get around to tracking calories. It is such a pain, and I am above having to take unnecessary pains. Instead I make guesstimates of how much I am eating. 

    Phase 3: Step on the scale again a week later. Find that the numbers haven't budged. I am aghast. Start entertaining the miserable possibility that my hormones are off. Curse my misfortune and recount every other misfortune that I have ever had to overcome in my life, the world is out to get me. 

    Phase 4: Enlist the help of fitbit, loseit and the food scale. Track every morsel of food. Tell myself that in two weeks if its still doom and gloom, God is truly merciless. 

An obvious issue arises as a result of my determined tracking - I am hungry, all the time. I realize that I can't eat as much as I have gotten used to. At 5'2" and with a desk job, I don't burn many calories. Moreover, to lose weight I need to run a deficit. 3000 calories deficit for a 1-pound loss. Huff. I curse salad packets which amount to 300 calories. I resent my husband, who eats what he wants, deeply. But I can't unsee the gulf between what I thought I could eat and what I can in reality. 

    Phase 4 1/2: Drink more water, go for longer walks. Every extra minute I spend exercising is more calories burned and a minute free from the one thing I desperately want to do--eat.

Check my weight at the end of two weeks. Begrudgingly acknowledge that there is still hope.

    Phase 5: Confront a very real problem- how the hell do I sustain the calorie deficit? I can't be hungry and angry all the time. I need to function, I have a job, and I can only work out so much. Life is unfair!

    Phase 6: The process of figuring out the trade off between satiety, some taste-based satisfaction and calories begins. 

    Phase now: So far this seems to involve water (and foods that retain water, such as soups, dumplings or boiled potatoes) and fiber (Finn crisp with lox or, if I fancy doubling down on fiber, home-made guacamole, otherwise its broccoli chips, sautéed mushrooms or raw carrots). These leave me full. 

On days I have plenty of water and fiber, I feel smug, because with some exercise, I can afford a serving of ice cream and a genuinely pleasant meal, perhaps a burger. On other days, its back to hangry, or worse, I eat what I want and confess my sins to loseit.