Happy birthday to me. Yesterday, Mike asked me what 36, the year of my being 36, was like. There is always a pressure to provide a positive spin while answering such a question, but I meant it for the most part when I said it was a good year. Here are the highlights:
1. I maintained a relatively healthy weight throughout the year (is it sad that this is the first item I list here?)
2. I have done everything I need to do on my end to get tenure (yesterday was my tenure hearing). I have by this point passed the buck to others who must make the final call (by June, such a long way away).
3. Citizenship stuff is moving along steadily and somewhat quickly, mainly because Mike took over the headache of communicating with the lawyer and filling up forms (yes, he is awesome).
4. I stayed at the Taj, which was one of those things I fantasized about without ever really willing to make it come true. But my circumstances have changed, and so I (we) went for it. The stay revealed more about me, India, and its people than I expected it to, and it is a lot to process (still processing).
5. We stayed in Goa and Mumbai for over a month sans relatives. The fact that I enjoyed India this way was more a confirmation of an existing hypothesis than anything really revelatory. But it was also enjoyable because of the people, the food and the bustle, and how these were unique to each location.
6. I had some long, grueling, confrontational fights with Mike which I believe will result in a more honest and satisfying marriage (I just have to have more, don't I?).
7. Took baby steps towards cultivating some new friendships and enjoyed the new perspectives that came with it.
8. Got better, more confident and more purposeful as a teacher/professor, because of which I see some personal value to my job (but lets not get too carried away).
This is what I recounted to Mike. But there is another way to assess 36 (perhaps it is typical of me, so I am glad I have the highlights to anchor me when I go down this path). How did I feel all through 36?
It felt exhausting and confusing. I felt emotionally vulnerable, disappointed in people, uncertain about what I am doing with myself, small and dismissed because I felt I wasn't good enough or meeting others expectations, and that life is an infinite trial.
Perhaps overall, what I am feeling as I start off on 37 is this:
I have been trying (in all sorts of ways) and I have hit broad targets which are of consequence. This suggests that my trying is resulting in favorable outcomes. But maybe I hit these targets in spite of my efforts.
And, either way, my trying has not translated into a real sense of fulfillment. Or a sense that I am living my best life by living on my own terms, based on what makes me happy. Instead, I feel that in many ways I have given myself over to others and their judgement. Not necessarily because others have the best ideas, but because I have no other ideas on how to be a better self, while also being a truer self.
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