Is it hot in here?

I have never met a man or woman whose beauty has made me want to bed them immediately. It may have inspired me to seek the pleasure of their company, and retain it if their company has indeed been enjoyable. But, for me, sex has always been like a secret, it's something you share because you are eager to let it out to someone who validates it or because you want the comfort of someone who gets that part of you. Oftentimes, more than appearance, selection is influenced by my level of desperation and the other person's countenance. So I am not claiming greater rigor in selection, rather that the influencing factors are different from what people commonly assume. Sometimes, oftentimes, you share it with the wrong people, and it is only later that you realize that instead of validating or getting you, they have been jeering at you, that your secret has been found wanting, or that they just don't see why the secret must be shared. Where does that leave one? More desperate, and then later, disinterested and ultimately withdrawn.

I wonder what constitutes good sex, particularly in a relationship. Some think it's best to keep it simple, make it a trade, be an amusing whore in exchange of worldly comforts. But it is a trade with diminishing returns and ripe for dehumanization. So I would personally pass on the offer and assume that anyone who suggests it is pretty thick or thinks I am thick. But I think most people would say that they want to feel desirable. This is easy enough in the short-term, where you don't have much information about the other person, so you can let your imagination and assumptions run away with you. You happily infer, with very little to go on, that your draw is of a magnitude great enough to make good sex something that is inherent to you-- your looks, your body, your charm, your sway, your status, your wit, your technique, your vivacity. Not that these things don't matter, they do, they can even be deal-breakers, depending on what attracts and repels you. But they are rarely deal-makers in the long-run. In the long-run, you get to know the other, you are confronted with the whole and not just the parts that are on display. 

But what constitutes the whole? It is you and me and the relationship dynamic we share, day in, day out. And I mean dynamic, not chemistry. When people say chemistry, I think they mean magic, you throw one compound in with another and boom! I say dynamic, because good relationships are not magic, they are, unfortunately, and perhaps tiresomely, deliberate. They are deliberate in its intent to be something that lasts and sustains you and each other for a long time. They are deliberate in creating an environment and a self that is aligned with these interests.

Desirability does not last within a perennially unhealthy relationship dynamic, unless you are in the habit of deluding yourself. So what constitutes a healthy dynamic? Well, for starters, you need safety, especially emotional safety. Trust does not fall from the skies, it comes from being thoughtful and benevolent-- not harming and not hurting and owning up when you do so unintentionally. You can't pick someone up when they are down and give them a gut punch afterwards and think they cancel each other out-- that is neither thoughtful nor benevolent. A healthy dynamic cannot survive when you can no longer think straight, speak up, or evolve into the person you want to be. It cannot survive if you don't have good character, refuse to grow up, and remain a burden on the other. It survives on nurture and respect, the hallmarks of caring and those worth caring. Love is what follows, desirability will survive if there was any to begin with.