A dark place

Its been a while. I am sitting in bed trying to find a sense of calm. Almost every night (and at other times) thoughts whir through my mind:

1. My loneliness. I used to have people I loved and looked forward to spending time with, and for the most part, that is no longer the case. 

2. My desperate need for space. Firstly, because I need time away from people to emotionally recoup, and, secondly, because I often feel like I am asked to account for my movements. I especially hate it when Mike asks me to give a reason for going upstairs when he is in front of the tv downstairs, or even gives that look or says "oh". I hate feeling like I am watched and that I owe my time to him, even if it is thoroughly unrewarding for me. 

3. My parents, with whom I no longer want to have a relationship because they bring so little understanding to the life I lead and so much disapproval based on the parameters of success I don't meet. I believe they tell themselves that they are fulfilling parental duties, but it stems from an inability to cope with me being someone they can't control or command (to become the person that they want me to be? or because they are used to the idea of women being at others' disposal?) and also from being bored, and too old and unimaginative to use their energies productively.

4. My parents, because they are old, fragile and in mental and physical decline, and their world, of which I was a major part, is going in directions they did not foresee or ever wish for, which means that I still need to be there for them, for after all, they were my world too once upon a time.

5. My marriage, which in spite of improving substantially from the point of view of spousal support, presents daily anguish by virtue of being an interracial one. It is a marriage people feel the constant need to size up, and after sizing up, often comment upon. I am told in different ways that my husband is too good for me/I am not good enough, both by my family in India and interestingly by people here who are from Asia (both the East Asian and South Asian contingents). I think it's because Asian societies are hierarchical in nature, and people's "rights" and freedoms are strongly tied to their social position, and in such societies, people higher up in the ladder (by virtue of age, gender or perceived class) can get away with impertinence. In fact, getting to be thoughtless seems like an unspoken perk. There are also other minor, but frequently-occurring disparities in how Mike and I are treated in social settings, especially when I am out with him, rather than when I am on my own or with other people, which makes me not want to go out with him-- its always a nail-biter, will this interaction be painless? or won't it be? what surprises await!

So everyday, I must find it in me to accept that this is what my life has to offer, this is going to be the nature of my most significant relationships, that it is always going to be an uphill battle. That the people in my life, despite my complaints, are loving and deserving of love, but that they will always be a thorn in my side. I try to get on the righteous path when I can, and power through the negativity by focusing on good habits, but increasingly I am tired and I just want to take shortcuts out of a bad situation, because it isn't ever going to be really better, is it?