The job-search business, what it means for us, Mike and me, is really beginning to hit home. At this point the chances of us getting jobs in the same location seem problematic. When we started this whole process, the idea was that there is no way we are going to live apart. That isn't the case anymore.
In the beginning, our plan was: if both us don't get job offers from the same location, the combination of salary and location will decide who takes up the offer and who doesn't. The other person can always try again next year or try and find a crappier temp. job for the present, which we assumed is abundantly available.
Of course, Mike was always going to have the advantage salary-wise because he's a phd in accounting while I am not. And I was always going to have the disadvantage of having a smaller pool of jobs both due to my major and foreignness.
But I felt this was a fair compromise, because at the end of the day, I have far less mojo than him in pursuing the university-professor shindig and he is far more likely to be successful in this career path.
But then there was the possibility for us living in the same state (Wisconsin) but 4 hours apart. This seemed better than me being jobless and living with him, especially for a trial period of a year. We could do weekends together. Thats how it started. Mike was later than me to this scene of realizing that we may very well live apart for the first year. Then it bloomed some more, to the possibility that we may live in two different regions of the country for the first year.
This is how that came about: after his flyout, Mike wasn't too happy with the prospects of the Wisconsin school, and since we would be living separately with the Wisconsin set up anyhow, it seemed like he may want to go to other schools. After my flyout to my Wisconsin school, I did not feel like it was a part of the world that I would want to live in the log run. Its the sort of place which would make one miss Syracuse. But by this point, I was also feeling the pressure to just suck it up and live by myself for a year.
I spoke to Acha about our conundrum. His response was simple, lots of Indian couples live apart for sometime to build their lives. Now if thats too uncomfortable for you then you guys can live together, I am sure you can find a job later. But see if Mike is ok with that and decide what you guys want to do together.
Now one way to take this advice is that he simply wants me to be aware of all the relevant facts, whatever decision we make. But his advice also seemed to suggest that I should be able to take on this sort of a challenge, that a path of separation is what many a sure-footed man-woman have done before.
I don't know why, but somehow the idea that I can always try and get a job next year, seems to have been sidelined. I guess its because I feel I can't do much better than I have this year. I may have more publications, which always helps. But there is also the fact (and this just dawned on me) that there will be 5 more students from my department in the job market next year whom I didn't have to compete with this year. Which also means that even if I take a job (assuming Wisconsin offers one, and that is a big assumption), it would be better for me to wait for 2 years before I try for another job. Boy. I also don't feel like I am going to have any more flyouts this year. From what I understand, if I don't hear from schools by November beginning, I won't hear from them later.
By this point, Mike and I have been through many speculations regarding each other, is Mike gonna act like my boss? Will he think I am a dead-weight? Did I change my priorities to get exactly what I want at the cost of screwing Mike? Overall, a very unhealthy exercise for the relationship, but inevitable nonetheless.
As a follow-up, Mike reassured me many a times that he wants me with him. But I am also convinced that if for some reason I can't find a proper job eventually, I am going to be cast in that role of the dead-weight housewife.
Its been a difficult journey, accepting that we have to be ok with many different possibilities, be ok with the decisions that we make individually, the vagueness of our preferences. But last day, I came across a quote (a repost from a repost here) and its been a useful reminder for my sanity:
It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days… Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me… So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling.
(Aldous Huxley, The Rainbow)
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