I am just trying to find my place here. At 30, I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. What I want to do for the rest of the world with my life, what my contribution will be. Mike urges me to look that way at times, and I do, at times, even though I know its in vain. It looks too big. It looks too big for someone like me who has no track record of amazing achievement. I have no discipline. But beyond all this, for now, I am just trying to find my place, clear off all the uncertainty, finish my dissertation, get my phd, get married, change my visa status, apply for adjunct jobs for the next school year and more permanent jobs for the year after that, make sure I end up living with Mike by the time he moves in August, handle achaammas pre-August visit and them discovering that we are living together. I am small and I am trying not to get any smaller. That is all.