I've been avoiding any real conversation with people for a little while now, except Mike since I can't really avoid it with him. I don't think I have anything in me to offer. I don't feel like doing nice things for people just for the sake of making them happy. I used to have that and it used to make me happy, but now I am all about me. And I am not even saying this in a self-derogatory way. I genuinely only feel the need to focus on me and no one else, all energies reserved for me.

I also wanted to give my own head a chance, hear my own thoughts, may be that way I can have more control over my life. I don't know if its been any good, but it certainly wasn't any good today. So I spoke to two friends. I feel better. These are people who are similar to me, in similar situations as the one I am in now, I feel they know where I am coming from, they don't have to stretch their generosity or imagination to understand things, which is such a relief. I thank them.

I hope for things to get back to normal. One victory that will give me the energy to be good and generous. It is silly though, even as I write this I feel the trick is to not wait but just be. But then again, it would be forced and that is not the way either.